NFL ’11: 32 Teams in Under 5 Minutes

Any positive guarantees for Broadway Joe's J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets in 2011?

Here’s what the sports media stars have and have not been handicapping for the 2011 season. They support families for being good at making blanket statements about “The National Football League.” Well we try it once a year-with no cover charge. So here it goes: All 32 teams, in ABC order, read in under five-minutes. Teams with asterisk adjacent to record make the playoffs. Enjoy the season.

Arizona Cardinals: 8-8

McMedia Outlet: Speculation surrounding QB Kevin Kolb’s ability to flourish in ’11.

Fish Food: Kolb will struggle to get wins this season by forcing too many passes in All-Pro WR Larry Fitzgerald’s direction.

Atlanta Falcons: 10-6*

McMedia: Let’s put Rookie WR Julio Jones into Canton already.

FF: QB Matt Ryan and Roddy White show even more progress. RB Michael Turner gets no more than 300 carries.

Baltimore Ravens: 11-5*

McMedia: The best offensive ensemble collected during QB Joe Flacco’s era.

FF: Chamois road schedule with stops in Tennessee (week 2), Cin, Cle, Jax, Sea, Stl.

Buffalo Bills: 6-10

McMedia: This team must improve on defense in order to compete.

FF: In a sport where injuries add up on every roster, there’s just no depth for this team anywhere on the chart.

Carolina Panthers: 3-13

McMedia: Cam Newton is just not accurate enough to be successful.

FF: Cam Newton will start five or fewer games in 2011 because he embraces contact past the line of scrimmage.

Chicago Bears: 6-10

McMedia: Last season was a fluke, and QB Jay Cutler isn’t a leader.

FF: RB Joseph Forte and WR Johnny Knox both have 1,000 yard seasons, respectively.

Cincinnati Bengals: 5-11

McMedia: The worst team in pro football.

FF: With four tries, the “Bungles” still manage to get a win against either Baltimore or Pittsburgh.

Cleveland Browns: 6-10

McMedia: Colt McCoy looks great this preseason!

FF: McCoy, the size of a grid-kid, is too fragile to play an entire season in the NFL.

Dallas Cowboys: 11-5*

McMedia: Is Tony Romo a Super Bowl caliber QB?

FF: Tashard Choice will get more carries at halfback than current eggshell starter Felix Jones in ’11.

Can the Cowboys surpass the Mavs and their own cheerleaders to once again be the best team from Texas in '11?

Denver Broncos: 7-9

McMedia: Tim Tebow?????????

FF: New Head Coach John Fox fools his team into believing in themselves just enough to earn seven wins in a sorry division.

Detroit Lions: 7-9

McMedia: Sleeper team! Stafford great in preseason!

FF: The Lions get a chance to show the nation they’re legit on Turkey Day vs. the Packers.

Green Bay Packers: 13-3*

McMedia: Back-to-back Super Bowl Champs!

FF: What else is there to talk about? The Packers don’t see themselves as the hunted when QB Aaron Rodgers still owns a hunter’s mentality. He’s poised to help the Pack make history in ’11.

Houston Texans: 8-8

McMedia: Finally, the class of the AFC South.

FF: It’s not easy to overcome the perception of being a soft team.

Indianapolis Colts: 5-11

McMedia: Can Peyton Manning recover in time?

FF: Indy has made the playoffs in each of the last nine seasons. That’s why Peyton deserves “All-Time Great QB” accolades.

Jacksonville Jaguars: 5-11

McMedia: Quarterback controversy!

FF: Jacksonville plays small ball well, but they still haven’t figured out how to make the opponents QB nervous on a regular basis.

Kansas City Chiefs: 8-8

McMedia: Jamaal Charles is a game-changer at RB. Draft him in your fantasy league!

FF: The putrid playoff performance by Matt Cassel against Baltimore could have shaken his confidence to start ’11.

Miami Dolphins: 8-8

McMedia: Can Reggie Bush finally breakout?

FF: QB “Checkdown” Chad Henne throws for over 20 TD’s.

Minnesota Vikings: 7-9

McMedia: Can QB Donovan McNabb rebound?

FF: Vikes need RB Adrian Peterson, WR’s Percy Harvin and Bernard Berrian all to start 16 games, respectively.

New England Patriots: 12-4*

McMedia: The Pats defense no longer intimidates.

FF: D-linemen Vince Wilwork, Albert Haynesworth, Shaun Ellis and Andre Carter will cause enough QB pressures and hits to bring the defense back to respectability.

New Orleans Saints: 12-4*

McMedia: Quite possibly the most balanced team in the NFL.

FF: In the playoffs, they won’t be able to put enough pressure on the QB.

New York Giants: 9-7

McMedia: One too many squeaky wheels to compete for the playoffs.

FF: If they can win in Philly in week 3, that should give them enough confidence to skip along with contenders going into December.

New York Jets: 10-6*

McMedia: It all begins and ends with Mark Sanchez.

FF: Plaxico Burress will help make the Jets one of the more efficient “$-Zone” offenses in ’11.

Oakland Raiders: 5-11

McMedia: Al Davis makes so many dumb moves.

FF: The Raiders simply don’t execute the passing game in pressure spots, or let alone when defenses least expect it.

Philadelphia Eagles: 10-6*

McMedia: Dream Team, nightmarish o-line.

FF: The only guarantee for this team is Andy Reid’s gifted ability to prepare and motivate on a weekly basis.

The best head coach to never win a Lombardi Trophy?

Pittsburgh Steelers: 11-5*

McMedia: This team is impervious to the Super Bowl hangover.

FF: They are doomed if QB Ben Roethlisberger suffers a major injury.

St. Louis Rams: 10-6*

McMedia: This is a team on the up-and-up.

FF: QB Sam Bradford is only a franchise receiver short of becoming a perennial Pro-Bowler.

San Diego Chargers: 10-6*

McMedia: They need RB Ryan Mathews to perform to his first-round potential.

FF: QB Philip Rivers will lead Charger offense to a top five league ranking in time of possession.

San Francisco 49ers: 6-10

McMedia: New Head Coach Jim Harbaugh is changing the culture.

FF: They will play defense with swagger and emotion, but they can’t afford to be average in both the passing and running game.

Seattle Seahawks: 4-12

McMedia: Pete Carrol decides to go out with the old QB (Matt Hasselbeck) and bring in a new QB, Tavaris Jackson.

FF: No alpha dogs/franchise players on this roster.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 6-10

McMedia: Young team, led by future stars both at head coach and QB, respectively.

FF: Some NFC team has be the one who loses too many close games in ’11.

Tennessee Titans: 9-7*

McMedia: Who blinked: Chris Johnson or Titans ownership?

FF: If QB Hasselbeck plays 14-16 games, that should be enough to predict the Titans a winner.

Washington Redskins: 4-12

McMedia: Starting quarterback battle!

FF: Will not win a division game.

MVP: Matt Ryan, QB-Atlanta Falcons

Comeback Player: Jerome Harrison, RB-Detroit Lions

Coach of the Year: Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers

SUPER BOWL: Jets 22, Packers 24

The last fist held high will belong to Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rogers once again this February.

Bronco Fans Enjoying ESPN on the Rocks

Certainly you’ve heard of a slow news day. We had one here in the Great Northwest earlier this week, when a daily newspaper’s front page headline read, “Man Spots UFO Near River.”

The alleged close encounter was between 5-6 AM. There were no other eye witnesses. The FAA just shrugged their shoulders in apathy. Some young, go-getting reporter still managed to get 550 words to print.

Sources couldn't confirm or deny whether or not the UFO spotter lived in a van down by the river nor did they disclose what football team he roots for.

ESPN has had slow news days this August. When that happens, its time for a good ‘ol summer cookout with some team’s irrationally hopeful fanbase having to pay the price for the network’s desire to share its insatiable hunger for pigskin theatre.

The Worldwide Leader has been feeding Broncos fans a daily heap of cow manure disguised under a glaze as if it were a juicy entree of pulled pork. And the herd of Bronco fans has been all too happy to “moo” in that direction in order to eat it.

I’m not here to say Broncos faithful must be the dopiest crop around, but they’re certainly one of the flakiest. I would rather be known as a crazy Raider fan with a picture of Al Davis in my wallet any day.

There’s a chosen narrative coming out of Bronco camp this preseason that I don’t think enough of us are saying out loud: Tim Tebow, a novice professional quarterback, should be starting over veteran Kyle Orton.

Dinner is served! Come and get it!

The Broncos no longer have one of the stingiest defenses in the NFL. Can the layman NFL follower name anyone on the Broncos defense besides cornerback Champ Bailey?

As a team, they have one offensive player who has ever been named All-Pro, in offensive tackle Ryan Clady. The NFL.com’s “Top 100 Players of 2011” list has journeyman wide receiver Brandon Lloyd (No. 58) as the only Broncos offensive player to appear at all. You can’t even pronounce their fringe starting running back’s full name (Knowshown Moreno) without saying “No” twice.

So why, Bronco fan, do you want a vulnerable Tim Tebow to bypass another year of learning a trade so complex and potentially unnerving that it owns a success rate comparable to that of reeling in an afternoon smallmouth bass with a gummy worm not dressed in stink bait?

Tebow Nation has about as much patience as Kramer did after five cafe lattes.

Tim Tebow cannot even successfully execute half of the Broncos playbook 100 percent of the time. And since the former Heisman Trophy winner just doesn’t have the personnel backing his lead like Ben Roethlisberger once had, the Broncos should continue focusing on nursing his development.

Yes, Tebow’s a winner. He’s also a man of integrity; and in the USA in 2011, quarterback or garbageman, that says a lot.

But being a scholarship-backed winner and being ready to lead your million dollar troops through war each Sunday are two completely different entities.

If you’re still thinking about having your No. 15 jersey dry-cleaned for Week 1, consider this nugget of wisdom from Sun Tzu, the ancient Chinese military leader, who said this in his famous military treatise, The Art of War:

“To be near the goal while the enemy is still far from it, to wait at ease while the enemy is toiling and struggling, to be well-fed while the enemy is famished:–this is the art of husbanding one’s strength.”

The enemy, in this case is the Broncos fanbase; enjoying daily summer cocktails with Ed Werder and Co.

As long as he’s the backup, Tebow’s job prospects as someone ready to start and lead the Broncos will have fans on the edge of their seats in red-zone-like anticipation.

But we all know that red zone opportunities, for the very average franchise such as the 2011 Denver Broncos, often yield more field goals than touchdowns.

If you want Tebow to take you all the way, for that’s why you drafted him in the first round, ask yourself if he’s polished enough in his trade first.

If you say yes, enjoy another year trading touchdowns for field goals.